The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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