this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
