In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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