fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
