god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize