so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
