she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
