Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
