Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
