I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
