dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
