he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Randomize