I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
