He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
