so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
