This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
