I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
