i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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