you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
