6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize