She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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