Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize