hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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