On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I love you. Go after that dick
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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