just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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