So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
