No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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