you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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