He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
you made out with another girl for some wings
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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