I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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