I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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