I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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