They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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