I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize