??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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