i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
