I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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