At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
