Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
