So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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