You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
