I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
