I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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