Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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