we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
