I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Randomize
