Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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