Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
