Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
