Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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