Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize