I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
