i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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