so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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