cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
