If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
