The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
