Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
