when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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