If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
