im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
