I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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